Celebrity Death Pool, 2012

Posted: December 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

Much thanks to a friend of mine for introducing me to this clearly ghoulish, yet, at times, oddly entertaining game of Celebrity Death Pool, for which I’m about to make my inaugural entry for the year 2012. Since I know next to nothing about celebrity “culture” however, when making my selections I decided to stick largely to what I do know as a news junkie and a (not as often as I’d like or need to be, lately) political activist, a course of action which makes the vast majority of my picks what I’m sure will come off as infinitely more tasteless to myself and many of my comrades were this exercise taken only at face value. For what it’s worth, my entries for this year have nothing to do with whether I want any one of them to die and everything to do with how likely I think it is for any one of them to do so in 2012, for whatever reason. I hope, against all odds, that the humorlessness of the purists will not drown out the intent that my more obviously substantive picks will raise awareness of the works, deeds, and hopefully not the ultimate fates of, at least some of them, in the upcoming year.

My 25 entries for 2012 (in no particular order)

Name | Description | Ages in 2012 | Possible points *(100 minus age at time of death) | Category | Cause of death, projected

Lindsey Lohan | Actress? | 25/26 | 74 | Alcohol poisoning that would have left the late Christopher Hitchens with just a mild, essay-fueling buzz/Drug Overdose

Hosni Mubarak | Deposed president of Egypt | 83/84 | 16 | Health complications before sentencing

Bashar Al-Assad | President of Syria | 46/47 | 53 | Killed by rebels in a ditch at the outskirts of Damascus

Kim Jong Ill | Supreme Leader of North Korea | 70/71 | 29 | Old age/tumble out of a window at the top floor of the Ryugyong Hotel after an intense LSD trip following decades of hallucinatory self-aggrandizement

Pete Burns | Singer | 52/53 | 47 | Comically horrific cosmetic surgery mishap

Richard Engel | NBC Chief Foreign Correspondent | 38/39 | 61 | Killed in action bravely covering a remarkably dangerous story anywhere in the Middle East

Bradley Manning | Whistleblower | 24/25 | 75 | Assassinated after obvious show trial, regardless of outcome

Nouri al-Maliki | Prime minister of Iraq | 61/62 | 38 | Killed in sectarian violence

Sharif Abdel Koddous | Independent Journalist for Democracy Now | UNK | Killed in action by the Egyptian military while covering the unfinished revolution

Mumia Abu Jamal | Serving Life sentence for murder conviction | 57/58 | 42 | Murdered in prison during a fight with inmate successfully staged by corrections officers

Ron Paul | Republican Presidential Candidate | 76/77 | 33 | Old age

Alexey Navalny | Russian dissident blogger and anti-corruption activist | 35/36 | 64 | Assassinated by the Russian FSB

Steven Tyler | Singer | 63/64 | 36 | Overdose

Jalal Talabani | President of Iraq | 78/79 | 21 | Killed in sectarian violence/ethnic cleansing of Kurds in Iraq

Jeff Green | NBA Player, Boston Celtics | 25/26 | 74 | Complications of heart surgery

Casey Anthony | Acquitted murderer | UNK | UNK | Killed by vigilante stalker

Willie Nelson | Singer, NORML activist | 78/79 | 21 | Old age/assassinated in a DEA raid for cannabis decriminalization advocacy just to make a point

Hugo Chavez | President of Venezuela | 57/58 | 42 | Cancer

Asif Ali Zardari | President of Pakistan | 56/57 | 43 | Killed in poorly executed, but ultimately successful coup attempt

Bernie Madoff | Convicted Billion-dollar swindler | 73/74 | 36 | Prison mob hit (I wouldn’t bet a dime on anyone stealing money from Latin American drug cartels or Russian mafia and dying peacefully in any bed)

Abdullah bin Abdul-Aziz Al Saud | King of Saudi Arabia | 87/88 | 12 | Old age

Andy Griffith | Andy fuckin’ Griffith | 85/86 | 14 | Old age

Julian Assange | Wikileaks editor-in-chief | 40/41 | 59 | Assassinated by the CIA after obvious yet botched show trial regardless of outcome

Bob Barker | Host of the Price is Right (1554-2007) | 88/89 | 11 | Old age

Barbara Ehrenreich | Political activist, author of Nickeled and Dimed | 70/71 | 29 | Cancer

Arundhati Roy | Author, Political Activist | 50/51 | 49 | Summarily executed in an “encounter killing” in downtown Mumbai

Regarding a number of my picks, I hope that I’m very, very wrong; this is a game that I really wouldn’t mind losing because of them.

  1. Are you sure Bob Barker won’t be stamped out by a captive elephant he’s trying to rescue? 😉

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